Every awful thing that you have ever heard about school dinners is true.
Or, at least, it was true at St. Andrew's.
That canteen ought to have its own series, on the telly:
"The Canteen From Hell". The top secret recipe for authentic "rubber cheese", which had long been their speciality,
had finally been perfected. It was now officially one hundred million times worse than the cheese used in any of the
well-known hamburger chains, even allowing for those branches at which the staff were prone to spitting into burgers.
They really did that, too. Richard's brother
had worked in several burger bars, and Steve and his colleagues would spit into customer's burgers all the time. Some
days, during peak times, when Rich and John had had nothing better to do, they used to pop in and help Steve and Co. out with
the "spitting into burgers" thing.
Ah, those were the days. Nowadays, Steve
was a boring old Civil Servant; he had thrown away a far better career, and for approximately the same pay as well.
That was all that a couple of GCSEs had done for Steve - a comforting thought for Richard, as most of his own teachers had
predicted that he would end up with no exam passes at all, due to his school attendance, or lack of.
Richard didn't even like to enquire as to what the brown
stuff, that resembled dog shit, but smelt somewhat worse, actually was - so he opted for the relative safety of baked
beans and roast potatoes, and a bag of totally crushed salt and vinegar crisps to eat on the way home. Nothing else
looked remotely edible.
He went to join John, who had opted for the "Dog Shit",
served with over-cooked cabbage and ridiculously over-cooked carrots. John was sitting with his girlfriend, Emma Clark,
and Emma's second-best-friend-after-Charlotte, Bryony Bishop.
Bryony Bishop, who just so happened to be the younger sister
of Julie Bishop.
Bryony was a pretty girl, whose large brown eyes were exactly
like her sister's. Rich had often wondered why he didn't fancy Bryony instead; it would have made life much simpler.
Then again, maybe not. Bryony had a boyfriend, too
- Mark someone or other, or was it Mike? But at least it wasn't Richard's brother. You could nick someone's
bird, if you really wanted to, and she was up for it, but making a move on your brother's girlfriend - that wasn't good.
And another point in Bryony's favour: She was thirteen, whereas Julie was almost seventeen. What chance did Richard
stand with a seventeen-year-old?
"Hi, Richard. We were just talking about you," remarked
Emma, and she and Bryony both giggled.
"Yeah?" This one word was delivered in the bored,
"as-if-I-care" tone, that blokes habitually used, in self-defence, against the "giggling girls" of this world.
"Charlotte never stops talking about you," said Emma.
Bloody Hell. Not this again - please, God.
It was all right for John. He got the attractive,
blue-eyed blonde, with a great figure, and only very mild acne. Rich got the "Ugly Sister".
"Stop taking the piss, Em," said Bryony. "You're making
him blush. Anyway, going back to our previous topic of conversation - what do you guys reckon? Is this place going
to close down?"
"I certainly hope so," remarked John, who was clearly finding
it difficult not to puke, having just swallowed a gobful of "Dog Shit". "Health and Safety should have done something
about this canteen years ago."
"It helps me to diet, though," observed Bryony.
Rich resisted the urge to comment that, in that case, maybe
Charlotte ought to have school dinners for a while, instead of going home for lunch.
No, better not. Too unkind. And it wasn't as
if he really disliked Charlotte or anything. He just happened not to fancy her, and it got on his nerves, big
time, that Emma and Bryony wouldn't let it go.
"Ha bloody ha. As if you need to diet, Bryony
Bishop. Seriously, though, Rich, it isn't just the canteen," Emma explained. "Haven't you heard, that St. Andrew's
is supposed to be on the verge of closure?"
"Cool," was Richard's immediate reaction. Then he
thought about it for a moment: "Hold on - where would we go instead?"
"Lakefield, probably," answered John.
"Or Lewis Palmer's," added Emma, in obvious disgust.
"We're going to do a campaign, Rich - to try to get them
to change their minds," announced Bryony. "Are you in?"
"You what? 'Save Our School', you mean? But
why, when all of us know how crap it is?"
"I'm with the girls on this, mate," said John. "St.
Andrew's might be a load of shit; the meals certainly are." He pulled a face, as he valiantly attempted to finish the
"food" in front of him. The rest of them had all but given up on eating, by this point. "But I've got two cousins
at Lakefield," he continued, with his mouth full, "and a third at Lewis P.'s. In comparison, we're lucky. We're
meeting tonight at Bryony's, to discuss our plan of action."
At Bryony's place? Why didn't they just say
so, in the first place?
"What time?"
Mrs. Bishop answered the door to Rich and John, who arrived
a mere twenty-five minutes late, which was almost equivalent to "early", according to "Hill and Anderson Mean Time", as John
sometimes referred to it.
Ruth Bishop had had her greying blonde hair cut shorter
than usual and layered, since Richard had seen her last.
"Hi, Richard - John. It's nice to see you both.
Don't see as much of your Steve lately, Richard, love. Is everything okay with him and Julie? The expression 'getting
blood out of a stone' could have been invented with our Julie in mind. Bryony! Richard and John are here!"
Richard felt flustered. And Rich almost never
got flustered; that was John's half of the "act". "Er - well - um - I'm not really sure, Mrs. Bishop."
"She's gone out tonight, with a couple of girls from her
college course. To be honest, I'm not happy about it. I wish she could have stuck with some of her old school
friends, like Kayleigh and Sam, and your brother. These new friends - well, maybe I'm being a bit unfair, but I'm not
happy about them."
"I'll talk to Steve," said Richard, and he meant it.
What he didn't add was that he couldn't be sure when he'd actually see his brother next; Richard often went for three
days or more without seeing Steve, in spite of the fact that they theoretically lived under the same roof.
He also refrained from mentioning Tara Smith's name.
After all, Richard didn't know for certain...
He really was sick of covering for this brother, though.
"I'd appreciate that, love. Bryony! Bryony,
Richard and John - oh, on second thoughts, just go straight up. She'll never hear me, over that racket. You know
which one's Bry's room, don't you? Third on the left. You'll hear it before you see it, as will the entire neighbourhood,
apart from the extremely hard of hearing."
