A week later, as roughly nine hundred kids filed, and shoved, into the
school's sports' hall, Richard struggled to recall the last time that he and John had attended a school assembly.
He put the puzzle to his friend.
John shrugged. "Six months ago, maybe?"
Rich nodded. "Six or seven, at least. There was that one
where that bald deputy head - whatshisname?"
"Watkins."
"That's him. Anyway, it was the morning when he came along, and
started moaning about the state of the bogs."
"Yeah, for all the good that did. People still piss on
the floor, write dirty limericks on the walls, and break the locks on the cubicle doors."
"On an average week," agreed Rich, "although
the practice of shoving cigarette ends into used condoms and bunging them down the loos is less prevalent now. And I've
heard a rumour that the girls, at least, do tend to wee in the loos, nowadays. Of course, they still write limericks
and break locks, and throw their tampons on the floor, or out of the window - but you can't expect miracles, can you?"
"If you could all quieten down, please!" As per usual, Mrs. Baker, Head
of the Science Department, had to raise her voice, almost to the point of shouting, to make her voice heard. "And
all mobiles to be switched off - Bryony Bishop, Tracey Dennis - and I do mean off, and not just on
vibrate. The headmaster would appreciate everybody's full attention. We have an important announcement to
make, this morning."
As if they hadn't guessed that much already! Richard
and John were only at that poxy assembly because they had promised the others that they would be - because they were
all so certain that the announcement as going to be made that morning.
Well, it had better not turn out to be an "announcement" about "ciggies
in condoms", or something else equally enthralling.
The "Save Our School Committee", or "SOS" for short (Emma's idea), would
be holding their second meeting that evening, after school - again, at Bryony's.
Hopefully, Julie would be around, this time.
And, hopefully, Charlotte wouldn't.
Someone's watch alarum went off. Then, another mobile - this time,
one with a Britney Spears ring-tone. The kid in question quickly switched off his bright yellow Nokia, under the watchful
eye of Porter, a somewhat scruffy-looking Maths teacher, with balding, ginger-grey hair, and a ponytail, rumoured to be a
remnant from his "hippy days".
Entered Mr. "Barney" Barnes, the geriatric headmaster. All stand.
"Good morning to you all. It has come to our attention," began
Barnes, in his characteristic slow, low style of speech, "that rumours have been in circulation..."
"Get on with it!" Rich felt like yelling. But, of course, he didn't.
He just waited, with the rest, for Barney to leisurely meander his way to "The Point".
Richard nearly laughed out loud, when he read Emma's note, in Chemistry.
He passed it to John, who literally laughed out loud. Very loud, in fact - loud enough, as it happened, to alert everyone
within a ten mile radius. Even Miss Lawrence, the dopey supply teacher. (Well, aren't all supply teachers
dopey? Richard was sure that it was some sort of prerequisite.)
"Something amusing, John? Would you like to share the joke with
the rest of the class?"
She snatched the note out of his hands, and then, after perusing the
document, for some reason, opted not to "share it with the class", after all.
The three of them ended up with a detention. That had to be a
first, for Lawrence. She was learning.
Later, in the staff room, Vanessa Lawrence handed the note to Josephine
Baker, the head of her department.
"'I couldn't believe it when Barney started going on about cigarettes
and condoms again, after all that build-up. Is he some sort of pervert or something?'" read Josie, her accent pure Queen's
English. "Well, of course, the child could have a point there. I've never been entirely sure about Philip myself."
Vanessa pretended not to be shocked. She had been doing a lot
of that, since she started filling in at St. Andrew's, two and a half very long terms ago.
"Of course, I would imagine that the children were expecting a somewhat
different announcement. About the rumours - you know." The older woman smiled knowingly at her newly
qualified, twenty-something colleague.
Who, for her part, returned the smile politely - anxious not to seem
ignorant of any "rumours", about which she was apparently expected to know.
